Hello, fellow cult kid
a conversation with Mikel Jollett
What you seek is seeking you.
~ Rumi
"The cult wasn’t the worst of it," Mikel said to me at lunch the other day. "It was worse after."
I nod, knowing exactly what he means. The loneliness is worse on the outside. No one tells you it’s going to be like that.
My debut book, Forager: Field Notes for Surviving a Family Cult, has similar themes to Mikel Jollett’s Hollywood Park, both about being born into cults in Southern California, raised in collectives we didn’t choose, abandoned by parents who thought they were doing the right thing.
But it wasn’t really that bad, we tell each other, I mean, nobody chooses their childhood. Nobody would ever want to go back to that kind of helplessness, right?
"Hello, fellow cult kid," Mikel said the first time we met, and the conversation cascaded immediately, to how we turned our pain into stories, earned out on our first books, the scripts we’ve written for series that may or may not be green-lit, our siblings, our mothers, what it means to be stable, the ways we will never be stable, who we want to love, who we actually love, and how grief is bottomless.
I love being a writer. What other profession opens up all of that in the first few minutes of meeting?
Mikel and I agreed on many things, but most of all on this: growing up in a cult is lonely. The kind of loneliness that makes you want to run from anyone who has the power to trap you. Even people who love you. Especially people you love.
This may sound like a contradiction. After all, a cult is a group of people who seemingly want the same thing. But part of being in a cult is learning not to want at all.
Fundamentally, a cult strips you of your personhood, your ability to desire anything for yourself. It teaches you to detach from your own needs, to surrender to something larger, a collective that claims to be the mouthpiece of God. Though, of course, what we were really repeating was the voice of the Leader, and we spoke his words so often, we forgot they weren’t our own.
Mikel and I agreed that finding a voice was the single most powerful tool in our healing. We clawed our way out of groupthink, into the specificity of our own suffering, and turned it into art. We became bold, risking putting our individual experiences into a larger cultural conversation. And in doing so, we discovered something unexpected: the more personal the story, the more universal it becomes.
Because suffering, in the end, isn’t what makes us lonely. It’s what connects us.
What vulnerabilities are you protecting that might better serve you to share?
Upcoming Events - If you’d like to join a small group of fellow creatives, here are three upcoming options, in person and remote.
Foraging for Self-Care: A Nature-Inspired Writing Retreat on March 30, 2025 from 9:30-4:30. Establish a writing practice and reconnect with your writing—in nature and other artistic spaces. Share a colorful, nourishing lunch with our small group and cultivate accountability partners and a sustainable practice. Early-bird pricing until the end of February. Click here to register.
Advanced Writing Workshop on April 27, 2025, 9:30-4:30. Learn more about the publishing industry, agents, proposals, contracts and how to get your best advance, while exploring elements of craft, reading and responding to each other's work, co-creating a support system within the container of this space. Guided activities will inspire new perspectives to deepen your writing practice, help you reconnect with your story, and find avenues for publishing. Click here to register.
Artist’s Way cohort - The Artists’ Way is Julia Cameron’s seminal book on cultivating creativity. There are two main components in her 12-week program: daily Morning Pages (three sheets of unfiltered, anything-goes journaling, written by hand) and weekly Artist’s Dates (solo adventures during which you spend time with your inner artist). Our next cohort will convene for the season of the Summer Solstice on Zoom on the first Saturday of June (6/7) at 1:00 PT for 12 weeks of self-directed study and guided support. Become a paid subscriber to join this group.
Art is what we call it when we’re able to create something new that changes someone.
No change, no art.
~Seth Godin
A huge thank you to all of you who are part of this winter’s Artist’s Way cohort! The comments section below is designed as a way for you to share your experience this week with other members of our group.
Please answer as many of the following questions as you have time for in the comments section, and feel free to respond to one another as support in our shared journey.
How did it go for you this week?
How many days this week did you do morning pages? How do you feel about this week compared to last week?
How about your artist date? Will you share what you chose to do?
Did you do any of the tasks? If so, which ones? Any discoveries there?
What do you worship and what do you want to worship?
Can’t wait to see all your faces on Zoom on March 1!
Forager Fridays is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
Thank you for being on this journey with me. I am grateful for the gift of your presence. Walking this path, knowing so many of you are walking it too, gives me hope. May we recognize our interbeing, with one another and the anima mundi, supporting each other in growth and recovery, like a mycelial network.
2/14/25 Day 41 of morning pages.
My Artists Date with myself was to finally unpack the treasured pack of vintage-inspired valentines I bought at Barnes and Noble on my first Artists Date, only to face the same existential ADHD challenges described in my admission of failure about sending holiday cards.
https://storiesbyjanus.substack.com/p/copy-tis-the-season-to-send-holiday?r=28rbmj.
However, several Valentines are written, and one is even stamped, although strategically designed to arrive on February 17. This experience is a case study in getting in one's own way.
I will continue to examine the why of this, not your burden, but the kind of thing, dare I say "shit", that comes up in this maddening, inspiring process called writing morning pages in community?
After posting (and subsequently taking down) three softball political pieces that were well-received by many but crucified by a few long-time friends and neighbors, my verve for sharing my writing was damaged, and I broke my string of over fifty weekly postings on Substack and had retreated to lick my wounds, regroup, to decide what I really want to write about, what I really want to say and to whom. But a moment ago, I just jumped back into the fray. I still don't know what I want to say, but then, who does? So. here is what I just posted, and it also exists as a two-minute listen. https://substack.com/home/post/p-157146725?source=queue
What do I want to worship? Nothing. I don't want to worship anything because the word comes with negative connotations for me, blind idolization with genuflection.
Having said that, thanks for offering me the opportunity to tell you that I am a card-carrying member, a regular attendee at Claremont UCC (United Church of Christ), a congregation that has declared and existed as a social-justice-forward, open and affirming community for over forty years. Most Sundays, I sit amongst Buddhists and atheists, reformed Evangelicals and recovering Catholics, all of us staunch supporters of the power of the individual and everyone's right to their body and their thoughts, coming together to actively, peacefully resist what is trying to take us over. If you need a loving and open community, this is it.
Dr. Jen Strickland and Dr. Jacob Bucholz were trained at Princeton and Duke, so even though I sometimes hum la-la-la-la when they say the J-word more than I care to hear, their positions that marry history and culture with current challenges always inspire.
The music is just as stunning and is under the guardianship of Dr. Alex Grabarchuk and Dr. David Rentz, the musical directors; Dr. Carey Robertson, the organist, who plays the mighty Glaetter-Goetz, the instrument that was built by the same company as those responsible for the instrument at Walt Disney Concert Hall; the multitalented Maritri Garrett, artist-in-residence; and a steady stream of talented and regulars plus guests artists. It takes my breath away. (Remember, I am a music snob with an MM in Vocal Performance and a DMA in Choral
Conducting and am quite capable of scathing criticism).
Last Sunday, we were challenged to set our alarms for 10 a.m. daily and to just take a moment for whatever you need.
Here is the link for past sermons. https://podpoint.com/claremont-united-church-of-christ
Both Jen and Jacob are great, but if you want to start somewhere, if you don't believe this sanctuary exists, start with Jacob's sermone from February 2 which earned a five-minute standing ovation.
Most Sundays, I'll be sitting up front on the right so I can continue to learn from Jennifer Stephenson's captivating sign interpretation for the deaf. I'm often seen with tears streaming down my cheeks with my Maltese puppy in my lap.
Invitation to join our community at 10 a.m. PT on Sundays (You Tube or FB Live) or here is the link of recent sermon topics. https://podpoint.com/claremont-united-church-of-christ
The kind of loneliness that makes you want to run from anyone who has the power to trap you. Even people who love you. Especially people you love.