What if anger isn’t a problem, but a signal? A deeply personal reflection on emotional expression, self-trust, and the courage to be seen. Includes a simple writing practice to help you listen to what your feelings are asking for.
Michelle, I really needed to read your message today. A few nights ago, I dreamt I was a dragon, swimming in a pool with other dragons - including one that was sleeping at the bottom of the pool. Someone aroused the sleeping dragon, and it became enraged. I'd never seen such wrath. I was afraid of the dragon, tried to escape. And when I awoke, it occurred to me that the sleeping dragon symbolized my own latent rage. Right now, it seems I'm afraid of it. But maybe it wants to teach me something. And that felt confirmed by your essay today. Thank you for sharing your gift.
Jeannie. What a powerful dream. “Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.” I read this, by Rilke, years ago and its stuck with me. Perhaps your anger, like mine, is this kind of dragon.
Oh, wow, Michelle, I’ve never read this Rilke quote (but I love his work). Thank you for that. I am going to write this down and compost it a bit. I think there is a lot of wisdom in what you wrote here.
wow, that is fantastic. That is so cool. I can't even believe that. I can't believe Rilka said that. What insight what profound insight into the human heart!!! wow thank you for sharing I want to like tattoo that on my forehead lol
I also love Rilke and haven't heard this quote. Thank you for sharing. (I also love dragons and have felt my wings many times in the past year, not sure what it is about but it feels good.)
Oh I'm so glad you see it that way, Keely! I wanted to tell you how fantastic that TEDx talk was that you recently sent me, about dark humor. It really spoke to me. I felt very validated, so a huge THANK YOU for that!
Thank you for the authenticity of this piece. Your honesty and realness just makes me love you more. I've been feeling rage-y this week too. Letting it move through me and trying to breathe into the anxiety that lies beneath.
I don’t know if it was trained into me or just a preference, but I’ve always pushed back from strong emotions. I didn’t want to let anger out and instead tried to keep it cool, clam, collected. I didn’t realize that this container of emotion I was building was also keeping the good stuff in too. Adoration, love, warmth, vulnerability, passion were all diminished along with what I thought were “negative”. Today I am practicing awareness and sitting with all the emotions to listen to what they are telling me. The comparison of emotion to Nature and the elements of wind, sunshine, temperature is a beautiful reminder that it is all as it is supposed to be. All the emotions are a natural part of us.
Barny, I too have often pushed back on strong emotions both on anger (stay in control, be calm, cool, and collected) and sadness (don't be weak). And, I too am trying to unlearn some of those lessons / conditioning.
I love this Barney. When I have to be strong and don't have time to sit with my emotions and ponder and meditate and sort through things because I'm in productivity mode or life is very demanding, it's easy to feel like I'm going through the motions and not engaging with life and then my relationships tend to become more complicated and people become unhappy with me that I love. but when I'm able to accept these things about myself my so-called negative or shadow emotions that are not socially acceptable or polite or nice or cooperative or obedient or submissive or agreeable or friendly or wise or intelligent or enlightened, then I am also disconnected from my ability to understand that a lot of of my anger towards some of my family members that I have been hurt by in the past comes out of great profound love and my desire for us to heal as a family and to be kind and loving and accepting a one another and mutually supportive despite our differences. I recognize ultimately our shared values and I want my family to share that recognition. We all love to have freedom of belief and freedom to make our own choices as adults. We love the members of our families that we do love comfortably and we want to protect and defend them from any perceived harm or injury. We love to pursue our happiness and our goals and enrichment and blessings. Who doesn't feel that way?
Mark Chagall once said (of the tyrant of World War II, when he barely escaped the gestapo in France with his life and his paintings and his beloved wife Bella), "For those who love, everything is clear. For those who do not, what can be done?" (Paraphrased by me from a translation of Chagell's original French by his son-in-law and biographer, historian Franz Meyer.)
[The Wikipedia article is indeed a good introduction although I don't rely on that source as an authoritative source, as I know of instances where disinformation is distributed in relation to organized child abuse and authoritative sources are refused in their desire to correct the record with facts and evidence, but it can connect one to authoritative sources, and does a pretty good job on Chagall's life and work, which I wrote about for my senior seminar project in Art History at CSUS.)
I watched the branches of the oak tree move in the wind, responding with gentle sways, each group of leaves shifting in relation to the others. No resistance to the wind. Just relationship.
I feel most like myself when I have had time with myself to be myself, when the badges and hats and stage make up come off. I am myself when the frantic voices of memorized lines and performance anxiety are quiet and I can hear the voice of my own heart. I am most myself when my sister is nearby. She invites my true self to step forward, effortlessly, and for this I am deeply grateful.
I feel least like myself when I realize I blend into a space that I do not belong to because I begin to code switch and perform a version of myself most accepted and expected after years of practice. I both resent and recognize the value of my ability to do this. I feel like a fake , like a traitor (and a survivor.)
I feel least like myself when the need arises to dwell at the surface with the weather, sports and small talk, when cordialities and comparison talk prevails over dreams, fears and fantasy.
I choose to honor my responsibilities daily out of habit, expectation, and fear rather than desire. Yes, I desire to be a reliable responsible adult and the amenities of life this offers but I skipped so much to be her. My adolescence was far too short. Wild abandon and rebellion still beckon.
I still ask the future for permission, externally or internally, before allowing myself to act. How will I feel tomorrow? Will I be fresh and focused for the tasks at hand? Will I remember my lines? Am I prioritizing what’s important and life sustaining if I enjoy the present moment to the fullest? Will I compromise my ability to be my best for others by choosing me now?
The future is my captor.
What am I afraid might happen if I trusted my own timing, instincts, or direction?
Deepest, most irrational fear? I fear everything I have could be lost and everything I’ve worked for would crumble. Without the collar of responsibility I’d be untethered, unfed, unloved and invisible. I’d be alone. If I chose for example, to teach free yoga full time, I’d not be able to pay for or sustain my basic needs. If I walked away from my business, even for a day, no one would need me. I’d be forgotten.
In reality, I reclaim my autonomy in subtle ways by keeping a strict work schedule and honoring it, supporting healthy work life balance, and establishing a healthy relationship with No. No is hard. It takes practice. No is important. No keeps me safe and healthy and arms distance from resentment and burnout. No can also be a bad habit that fuels fear and paints me into a corner. Yes is a healthy practice too.
My inner demons have surfaced over the last couple of weeks and while my armor and will are strong, the battle takes me from anything not necessary for survival. My morning pages as well as artists dates have lost their wheels, not for lack of intention. Simple things, like long baths and outdoor naps have gently nurtured my inner artist. My No has protected her from overstimulation and my Yes has gifted her with sweet, unburdened connections.
“There is a part of me that still believes love is safest when I am contained.”
Boy,this resonates. I find though,with this “coming of age”era of mine, this part of me, while deeply rooted, has only produced rotten fruit. I am so tired of being contained, of apologizing, excusing, explaining my expansion, of being pushed and pulled and contorted into expectations. I want to explore and discover what love in all its forms feels like when I am no longer asking it to be safe.
In many ways it is in my interactions with this community where I feel most like myself: curious, creative, present, and joyful. There is so much wisdom and care here that it feels safe to be vulnerable.
Outside a few very trusted friends and coaches, I rarely speak about the part of my life where I feel the least like myself. This is driven by fear - by speaking it aloud does that compel me to action (and the accordant consequences)? It is also shaped by two adages inherited from my parents: “don’t air your dirty laundry” and “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything”. However, it is within my marriage where I feel the least like myself, and where the growth, creativity, and wildness I am cultivating feels the most incompatible. And I know I am terrified of what my anger is trying to tell me. This is hard and scary to write, but in doing so it is a small (that feels huge) decision that is aligned to who I am becoming.
So thank you for this safe space full of wisdom, beauty, and care.
This! "...if my anger is not a failure, but a signal. Not something to suppress, but something to listen to more carefully, a boundary coming into form." THANK YOU!
I internalized the vilification of my anger early in life but it was my anger and my disobedience to my father's shadows that allowed me to survive. I love your suggestion that this is a valid motion that allows your body and mind to reset a boundary, although in hindsight you would have preferred a wiser more measured response to whatever situation ignited that in you. Thank you for having the courage to accept yourself and look deeper and introspect about your own experiences instead of just judging yourself on the surface and throwing it away. Reading this is so healing for me on so many levels has so much of your writing and so many of your words are!
I can totally relate to nearly everything you say and I'm sure and I hope that many people can. I wish that I had mentioned you in the Epstein Justice webinar that I attended earlier this week online, we're in two survivors shared their experiences and answered questions that were mediated by some of the other volunteers and by Nick Bryant the journalist who is the instigator of this place to share truth for people who survived that particular groups enslavement and human rights abuses. The women who have survived that particular man's abuse and everyone associated with him are some of the most courageous intelligent empowered people that I have ever met online or in person and they are in the hot seat and the spotlight against a profoundly corrupt society that enables abusers in unconscionable ways that we are all vulnerable to if we do not educate ourselves in each other about how to become free from these types of suffering and these infringements upon our agency and our health and our joy and our happiness. Maybe next month I will mention your blog and your book as a resource because I know it will be really empowering for any woman who comes across it and men to and non-binary people. I love brushing elbows with you during this phase of our lives and learning and sharing from your wisdom and being empowered to connect with my own in the wonderful space that you create online and spiritually in our hearts for each of us through your own self healing and walking your own path with such grace and beauty and wisdom. I am obviously being a fan girl right now so lol I hope that's not too syrupy for anyone to handle! Lol. I have strayed from the zone of coolness many times with great intention in order to validate the people who inspire me and strengthen me in my own healing and cultivating my own voice through my own art. I'm owning it!
I think our natural flashes of anger can sometimes be corrective when others are not respecting boundaries or are unaware of things that will genuinely help them to become more aware of. When our current administration came into power, I experienced tremendous anger in ways that I had never experienced since I was a young woman fighting racism with my friends in the streets against neo Nazis. in some Native American tribes that I have learned a little bit about, there is an in-between place when people have to go out to fight and be warriors. They are not immediately accepted back into the main community with the Elders and mothers and grandmothers and children because they would not be healthy. So they set up camp and have sweat lodges and periods of basically detoxing and shifting gears I guess is how I would say it so that they can enjoy being members of their family again without the intensity of that war energy and that warrior energy harming their loved ones. wouldn't it be wonderful if modern military could implement such a period of reintegration and preparation for reintegration and be able to make peace with themselves so that they do not injure others out of their own hurts and wounds from the wars they've had to fight to protect and defend their families and loved ones? PTSD is real, and the trauma responses that pull us out of our executive functioning helped us survive past events. I am not always non-toxic, but I am learning and I try to make it right while still validating the truths that have been tread upon that caused my anger to flash. Often it is hard for me to recognize shared values at a time when society is being manipulated into division so that we are easier to conquer and control.
I am learning to be a bridge builder and a peacemaker from both secular sources and spiritual sources. So that includes learning the difference between self-esteem, dignity and self-respect, humility, and the trauma response of submission or fawning or uncertainty and confusion (or fight flight freeze trauma responses).
I learned a long time ago about myself that it's a lot easier to love others than to receive love from others for me. At the same time that parts of me are desperate for it and even when it's given to me I respond with defensiveness that can sometimes be cruel in its manifestation. at the same time, if I don't sometimes "make a scene" then I'm not heard despite all my logic and all my evidences and all my truth and all my love. so it's good to slow down and ponder complexities and nuance and put off that self criticism and self judgment enough to get to whatever is authentic and real for us underneath all the wounds and the calluses in our hearts.
I have had an amazing week. Tomorrow I am 40 days sober off of cannabis. I really loved how much healing it brought to me psychologically and spiritually and physically but the risks now outweigh the benefits. I do not want to die of a stroke or heart attack. Anytime soon. and the first month off of cannabis it is hard to feel pleasure. This week I have felt elation and joy on a level that is aligned with some of the most joyful experiences of my life like getting my first word processor from my family when I was 21 (they all pitched in and surprised me with a used Macintosh computer. It had 2 kB of memory which was quite a bit at that time!) I also found myself comparing the joy I was experiencing to giving birth to my son and some of my spiritual experiences that have been full of love and joy and beauty on levels that are indescribable.
So what I did this week was I went and saw a CAKE concert with my son. The performance and the evening were excellent. The next day I had the opportunity to buy two pencils sketches that were very small from a Davis gallery from a recently deceased very famous well loved Sacramento artist. I did not expect to be able to make this purchase but my mother understood that it was an investment that my son could inherit and she gave me the money to do it generously. after I made the purchases sitting alone in front of my computer in my office, I found myself cheering like the second coming was a sure thing that was coming tomorrow. The profound joy that I experienced at being able to make this purchase and add these beautiful sketches to my collection of drawings by other artists I have known and loved more personally, is beyond what I could express because I studied art history for my undergraduate work. And beyond that I have so much love for the creative community of my city of origin and all the wise ones who remind us that life is not in textbooks and you can't just read about life you need to go find it you need to do more than seek it out you need to find it.
I did my pages I think about five times this week but maybe four because time has also passed more quickly than I realized because I've been very active and studying a lot to recover my physical health and my dietary health from the last decade of grief and needing comfort from an herb that mother earth created and that we altered into a very concentrated form that is no longer as medicinal as it historically has been- any medicine if improperly used can be a toxin.
so grateful for this space and this ability to touch base and ground every week about my Artists' Way and I'm going to miss it unless until there is another cohort! so I am savoring the last few weeks and I look forward to our meeting on Saturday which hopefully I will be able to attend this time!
Thank you for this space, Michelle, and your ever-intrepid and courageous authentic leadership. thank you to my fellow participants walking this path and sharing this space with me.
" Thank you for having the courage to accept yourself and look deeper and introspect about your own experiences instead of just judging yourself on the surface and throwing it away. Reading this is so healing for me on so many levels has so much of your writing and so many of your words are!"
I like how you clarified that sometimes our anger is simply an indication that we need something to change. If we’re feeling angry, it’s not a character flaw, but rather it can simply be a sensation telling us that we need to make an adjustment. It’s kind of like pain. If you’re sitting in meditation, and you feel pain, that’s not a moral failing … it’s Ok to shift our weight and even to move into a completely new space, when needed. Thank you for writing this. It was very insightful.
Michelle, I love how your essays open me up. I am not the girl I used to be. I tamped down my expressiveness, my energy, my needs because it was obvious that my mother was frustrated by them. She had her own unmet needs. I am most myself, now, when I write, paint, and listen to myself, holding space for emotions that flow through me, but don't own me.
My past couple weeks have been intense in a good and growthful way and I have, in the last week, week 12, dropped my daily pages. I did 2 days of 3 pages and the other days either small snippets or nothing...and it is all okay. There was something there that needed more attention than a blank page. I don't know that I will be on our final zoom but will try. My artist date was going to learn a little bit about Tarot in a local group. I didn't want to go, I wanted to sleep, but I had been sleeping and so I chose to go. Since you brought up Rilke, Michelle, one poem that often comes up for me when I realize I have gone too long repressing rage and wild and therefore have contained myself into a depression/submission is this one:
Michelle, I really needed to read your message today. A few nights ago, I dreamt I was a dragon, swimming in a pool with other dragons - including one that was sleeping at the bottom of the pool. Someone aroused the sleeping dragon, and it became enraged. I'd never seen such wrath. I was afraid of the dragon, tried to escape. And when I awoke, it occurred to me that the sleeping dragon symbolized my own latent rage. Right now, it seems I'm afraid of it. But maybe it wants to teach me something. And that felt confirmed by your essay today. Thank you for sharing your gift.
Jeannie. What a powerful dream. “Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.” I read this, by Rilke, years ago and its stuck with me. Perhaps your anger, like mine, is this kind of dragon.
Oh, wow, Michelle, I’ve never read this Rilke quote (but I love his work). Thank you for that. I am going to write this down and compost it a bit. I think there is a lot of wisdom in what you wrote here.
💚💚💚
This is so beautiful
wow, that is fantastic. That is so cool. I can't even believe that. I can't believe Rilka said that. What insight what profound insight into the human heart!!! wow thank you for sharing I want to like tattoo that on my forehead lol
Hahahahaa
You wouldn’t see it much there
Maybe your wrist 😉
😂
I also love Rilke and haven't heard this quote. Thank you for sharing. (I also love dragons and have felt my wings many times in the past year, not sure what it is about but it feels good.)
thank you for sharing this powerful dream! I think your interpretation is really meaningful, I'm really glad I read this in this context too
Oh I'm so glad you see it that way, Keely! I wanted to tell you how fantastic that TEDx talk was that you recently sent me, about dark humor. It really spoke to me. I felt very validated, so a huge THANK YOU for that!
"For those who love, everything is clear. For those who do not, what can be done?"
Thank you for the authenticity of this piece. Your honesty and realness just makes me love you more. I've been feeling rage-y this week too. Letting it move through me and trying to breathe into the anxiety that lies beneath.
I don’t know if it was trained into me or just a preference, but I’ve always pushed back from strong emotions. I didn’t want to let anger out and instead tried to keep it cool, clam, collected. I didn’t realize that this container of emotion I was building was also keeping the good stuff in too. Adoration, love, warmth, vulnerability, passion were all diminished along with what I thought were “negative”. Today I am practicing awareness and sitting with all the emotions to listen to what they are telling me. The comparison of emotion to Nature and the elements of wind, sunshine, temperature is a beautiful reminder that it is all as it is supposed to be. All the emotions are a natural part of us.
Barny, I too have often pushed back on strong emotions both on anger (stay in control, be calm, cool, and collected) and sadness (don't be weak). And, I too am trying to unlearn some of those lessons / conditioning.
I love this Barney. When I have to be strong and don't have time to sit with my emotions and ponder and meditate and sort through things because I'm in productivity mode or life is very demanding, it's easy to feel like I'm going through the motions and not engaging with life and then my relationships tend to become more complicated and people become unhappy with me that I love. but when I'm able to accept these things about myself my so-called negative or shadow emotions that are not socially acceptable or polite or nice or cooperative or obedient or submissive or agreeable or friendly or wise or intelligent or enlightened, then I am also disconnected from my ability to understand that a lot of of my anger towards some of my family members that I have been hurt by in the past comes out of great profound love and my desire for us to heal as a family and to be kind and loving and accepting a one another and mutually supportive despite our differences. I recognize ultimately our shared values and I want my family to share that recognition. We all love to have freedom of belief and freedom to make our own choices as adults. We love the members of our families that we do love comfortably and we want to protect and defend them from any perceived harm or injury. We love to pursue our happiness and our goals and enrichment and blessings. Who doesn't feel that way?
Mark Chagall once said (of the tyrant of World War II, when he barely escaped the gestapo in France with his life and his paintings and his beloved wife Bella), "For those who love, everything is clear. For those who do not, what can be done?" (Paraphrased by me from a translation of Chagell's original French by his son-in-law and biographer, historian Franz Meyer.)
[The Wikipedia article is indeed a good introduction although I don't rely on that source as an authoritative source, as I know of instances where disinformation is distributed in relation to organized child abuse and authoritative sources are refused in their desire to correct the record with facts and evidence, but it can connect one to authoritative sources, and does a pretty good job on Chagall's life and work, which I wrote about for my senior seminar project in Art History at CSUS.)
I watched the branches of the oak tree move in the wind, responding with gentle sways, each group of leaves shifting in relation to the others. No resistance to the wind. Just relationship.
AW check in
I feel most like myself when I have had time with myself to be myself, when the badges and hats and stage make up come off. I am myself when the frantic voices of memorized lines and performance anxiety are quiet and I can hear the voice of my own heart. I am most myself when my sister is nearby. She invites my true self to step forward, effortlessly, and for this I am deeply grateful.
I feel least like myself when I realize I blend into a space that I do not belong to because I begin to code switch and perform a version of myself most accepted and expected after years of practice. I both resent and recognize the value of my ability to do this. I feel like a fake , like a traitor (and a survivor.)
I feel least like myself when the need arises to dwell at the surface with the weather, sports and small talk, when cordialities and comparison talk prevails over dreams, fears and fantasy.
I choose to honor my responsibilities daily out of habit, expectation, and fear rather than desire. Yes, I desire to be a reliable responsible adult and the amenities of life this offers but I skipped so much to be her. My adolescence was far too short. Wild abandon and rebellion still beckon.
I still ask the future for permission, externally or internally, before allowing myself to act. How will I feel tomorrow? Will I be fresh and focused for the tasks at hand? Will I remember my lines? Am I prioritizing what’s important and life sustaining if I enjoy the present moment to the fullest? Will I compromise my ability to be my best for others by choosing me now?
The future is my captor.
What am I afraid might happen if I trusted my own timing, instincts, or direction?
Deepest, most irrational fear? I fear everything I have could be lost and everything I’ve worked for would crumble. Without the collar of responsibility I’d be untethered, unfed, unloved and invisible. I’d be alone. If I chose for example, to teach free yoga full time, I’d not be able to pay for or sustain my basic needs. If I walked away from my business, even for a day, no one would need me. I’d be forgotten.
In reality, I reclaim my autonomy in subtle ways by keeping a strict work schedule and honoring it, supporting healthy work life balance, and establishing a healthy relationship with No. No is hard. It takes practice. No is important. No keeps me safe and healthy and arms distance from resentment and burnout. No can also be a bad habit that fuels fear and paints me into a corner. Yes is a healthy practice too.
My inner demons have surfaced over the last couple of weeks and while my armor and will are strong, the battle takes me from anything not necessary for survival. My morning pages as well as artists dates have lost their wheels, not for lack of intention. Simple things, like long baths and outdoor naps have gently nurtured my inner artist. My No has protected her from overstimulation and my Yes has gifted her with sweet, unburdened connections.
“There is a part of me that still believes love is safest when I am contained.”
Boy,this resonates. I find though,with this “coming of age”era of mine, this part of me, while deeply rooted, has only produced rotten fruit. I am so tired of being contained, of apologizing, excusing, explaining my expansion, of being pushed and pulled and contorted into expectations. I want to explore and discover what love in all its forms feels like when I am no longer asking it to be safe.
And your words reverberated shaking the bars on the cage that I have created for myself.
In many ways it is in my interactions with this community where I feel most like myself: curious, creative, present, and joyful. There is so much wisdom and care here that it feels safe to be vulnerable.
Outside a few very trusted friends and coaches, I rarely speak about the part of my life where I feel the least like myself. This is driven by fear - by speaking it aloud does that compel me to action (and the accordant consequences)? It is also shaped by two adages inherited from my parents: “don’t air your dirty laundry” and “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything”. However, it is within my marriage where I feel the least like myself, and where the growth, creativity, and wildness I am cultivating feels the most incompatible. And I know I am terrified of what my anger is trying to tell me. This is hard and scary to write, but in doing so it is a small (that feels huge) decision that is aligned to who I am becoming.
So thank you for this safe space full of wisdom, beauty, and care.
Thank you for your courage to say it here Tom.
Thank you 🙏
Recognizing and honoring the vulnerability you are sharing here, Tom.
Thank you 🙏
This! "...if my anger is not a failure, but a signal. Not something to suppress, but something to listen to more carefully, a boundary coming into form." THANK YOU!
I internalized the vilification of my anger early in life but it was my anger and my disobedience to my father's shadows that allowed me to survive. I love your suggestion that this is a valid motion that allows your body and mind to reset a boundary, although in hindsight you would have preferred a wiser more measured response to whatever situation ignited that in you. Thank you for having the courage to accept yourself and look deeper and introspect about your own experiences instead of just judging yourself on the surface and throwing it away. Reading this is so healing for me on so many levels has so much of your writing and so many of your words are!
I can totally relate to nearly everything you say and I'm sure and I hope that many people can. I wish that I had mentioned you in the Epstein Justice webinar that I attended earlier this week online, we're in two survivors shared their experiences and answered questions that were mediated by some of the other volunteers and by Nick Bryant the journalist who is the instigator of this place to share truth for people who survived that particular groups enslavement and human rights abuses. The women who have survived that particular man's abuse and everyone associated with him are some of the most courageous intelligent empowered people that I have ever met online or in person and they are in the hot seat and the spotlight against a profoundly corrupt society that enables abusers in unconscionable ways that we are all vulnerable to if we do not educate ourselves in each other about how to become free from these types of suffering and these infringements upon our agency and our health and our joy and our happiness. Maybe next month I will mention your blog and your book as a resource because I know it will be really empowering for any woman who comes across it and men to and non-binary people. I love brushing elbows with you during this phase of our lives and learning and sharing from your wisdom and being empowered to connect with my own in the wonderful space that you create online and spiritually in our hearts for each of us through your own self healing and walking your own path with such grace and beauty and wisdom. I am obviously being a fan girl right now so lol I hope that's not too syrupy for anyone to handle! Lol. I have strayed from the zone of coolness many times with great intention in order to validate the people who inspire me and strengthen me in my own healing and cultivating my own voice through my own art. I'm owning it!
I think our natural flashes of anger can sometimes be corrective when others are not respecting boundaries or are unaware of things that will genuinely help them to become more aware of. When our current administration came into power, I experienced tremendous anger in ways that I had never experienced since I was a young woman fighting racism with my friends in the streets against neo Nazis. in some Native American tribes that I have learned a little bit about, there is an in-between place when people have to go out to fight and be warriors. They are not immediately accepted back into the main community with the Elders and mothers and grandmothers and children because they would not be healthy. So they set up camp and have sweat lodges and periods of basically detoxing and shifting gears I guess is how I would say it so that they can enjoy being members of their family again without the intensity of that war energy and that warrior energy harming their loved ones. wouldn't it be wonderful if modern military could implement such a period of reintegration and preparation for reintegration and be able to make peace with themselves so that they do not injure others out of their own hurts and wounds from the wars they've had to fight to protect and defend their families and loved ones? PTSD is real, and the trauma responses that pull us out of our executive functioning helped us survive past events. I am not always non-toxic, but I am learning and I try to make it right while still validating the truths that have been tread upon that caused my anger to flash. Often it is hard for me to recognize shared values at a time when society is being manipulated into division so that we are easier to conquer and control.
I am learning to be a bridge builder and a peacemaker from both secular sources and spiritual sources. So that includes learning the difference between self-esteem, dignity and self-respect, humility, and the trauma response of submission or fawning or uncertainty and confusion (or fight flight freeze trauma responses).
I learned a long time ago about myself that it's a lot easier to love others than to receive love from others for me. At the same time that parts of me are desperate for it and even when it's given to me I respond with defensiveness that can sometimes be cruel in its manifestation. at the same time, if I don't sometimes "make a scene" then I'm not heard despite all my logic and all my evidences and all my truth and all my love. so it's good to slow down and ponder complexities and nuance and put off that self criticism and self judgment enough to get to whatever is authentic and real for us underneath all the wounds and the calluses in our hearts.
I have had an amazing week. Tomorrow I am 40 days sober off of cannabis. I really loved how much healing it brought to me psychologically and spiritually and physically but the risks now outweigh the benefits. I do not want to die of a stroke or heart attack. Anytime soon. and the first month off of cannabis it is hard to feel pleasure. This week I have felt elation and joy on a level that is aligned with some of the most joyful experiences of my life like getting my first word processor from my family when I was 21 (they all pitched in and surprised me with a used Macintosh computer. It had 2 kB of memory which was quite a bit at that time!) I also found myself comparing the joy I was experiencing to giving birth to my son and some of my spiritual experiences that have been full of love and joy and beauty on levels that are indescribable.
So what I did this week was I went and saw a CAKE concert with my son. The performance and the evening were excellent. The next day I had the opportunity to buy two pencils sketches that were very small from a Davis gallery from a recently deceased very famous well loved Sacramento artist. I did not expect to be able to make this purchase but my mother understood that it was an investment that my son could inherit and she gave me the money to do it generously. after I made the purchases sitting alone in front of my computer in my office, I found myself cheering like the second coming was a sure thing that was coming tomorrow. The profound joy that I experienced at being able to make this purchase and add these beautiful sketches to my collection of drawings by other artists I have known and loved more personally, is beyond what I could express because I studied art history for my undergraduate work. And beyond that I have so much love for the creative community of my city of origin and all the wise ones who remind us that life is not in textbooks and you can't just read about life you need to go find it you need to do more than seek it out you need to find it.
I did my pages I think about five times this week but maybe four because time has also passed more quickly than I realized because I've been very active and studying a lot to recover my physical health and my dietary health from the last decade of grief and needing comfort from an herb that mother earth created and that we altered into a very concentrated form that is no longer as medicinal as it historically has been- any medicine if improperly used can be a toxin.
so grateful for this space and this ability to touch base and ground every week about my Artists' Way and I'm going to miss it unless until there is another cohort! so I am savoring the last few weeks and I look forward to our meeting on Saturday which hopefully I will be able to attend this time!
Thank you for this space, Michelle, and your ever-intrepid and courageous authentic leadership. thank you to my fellow participants walking this path and sharing this space with me.
" Thank you for having the courage to accept yourself and look deeper and introspect about your own experiences instead of just judging yourself on the surface and throwing it away. Reading this is so healing for me on so many levels has so much of your writing and so many of your words are!"
Brilliantly stated
I like how you clarified that sometimes our anger is simply an indication that we need something to change. If we’re feeling angry, it’s not a character flaw, but rather it can simply be a sensation telling us that we need to make an adjustment. It’s kind of like pain. If you’re sitting in meditation, and you feel pain, that’s not a moral failing … it’s Ok to shift our weight and even to move into a completely new space, when needed. Thank you for writing this. It was very insightful.
💚💚💚🌄
Beautifully shared and a reminder I need that it is not a character flaw or moral failing.
Michelle, I love how your essays open me up. I am not the girl I used to be. I tamped down my expressiveness, my energy, my needs because it was obvious that my mother was frustrated by them. She had her own unmet needs. I am most myself, now, when I write, paint, and listen to myself, holding space for emotions that flow through me, but don't own me.
I love who you are, Laury. You have been such an inspiration to me!
xo
I've been moving about today with this in my heart. Thank you M.
Thank you, sweet Elena.
Thanks for your authentic vulnerability here. Love the journaling prompts at the end too!
Thank you, Jennifer! Good to see you here :)
Good to be “seen.” I’m sorry I haven’t made any of The Artist’s Way Zooms, and glad it’s still happening:).
My past couple weeks have been intense in a good and growthful way and I have, in the last week, week 12, dropped my daily pages. I did 2 days of 3 pages and the other days either small snippets or nothing...and it is all okay. There was something there that needed more attention than a blank page. I don't know that I will be on our final zoom but will try. My artist date was going to learn a little bit about Tarot in a local group. I didn't want to go, I wanted to sleep, but I had been sleeping and so I chose to go. Since you brought up Rilke, Michelle, one poem that often comes up for me when I realize I have gone too long repressing rage and wild and therefore have contained myself into a depression/submission is this one:
The Panther
in the jardin des plantes, paris
His gaze has from the passing of the bars
grown so tired, that it holds nothing anymore.
It seems to him there are a thousand bars
and behind a thousand bars no world.
The supple pace of powerful soft strides,
turning in the very smallest circle,
is like a dance of strength around a center
in which a great will stands numb.
Only sometimes the curtain of the pupils
soundlessly slides up--. Then an image enters,
glides through the limbs' taught stillness,
dives into the heart--and dies.